flowerfuck: (angel)
[personal profile] flowerfuck
i want to change my name again. except i don't. what is this sudden sense of stability? is this what it's like to be sane? it's frustrating. i liked being so fluid (no you didn't quinn, it was terrifying and disorienting). i liked being able to be whoever i wanted to be (no you didn't, remember how scared you used to feel when you looked in the mirror and saw a stranger's face).

i like who i am now but i don't like the way my name sounds. i like the New Name better. it's snappier, no family ties. (but you want the family ties, remember? for nana and grandad, they're the only reason you chose that name.) yeah but after visiting them i don't really feel like they understand what a big deal that was. i don't think they would even if i explained it i doubt they'd understand. (yeah, they're not very sensitive people. at least not in any real way.)

felix is a good name. i feel like "felix" as a concept is an attempt to integrate the two most extreme aspects of myself: the angry, punk, hard-femme with shaved and coloured hair and a desire to punch everyone in the face, and the flirty, mischievous prettyboy twink. hard-twink, perhaps?

i no longer want to be perceived as a boy. i'm firmly in the non-binary camp, that much is for sure. lately i've been taking some time to sit with and understand my connections to my... afab-ness? acknowledging and inspecting the impact of so-called "female socialisation" on my understanding and perception of myself, as well as others' perception of me. my history of trauma is deeply tied to my position in the world in a space marked as "female" by everyone around me, and how the rules of our society dictate their behaviour towards that space. whether it's fair or not That Space is Me, and i cannot just ditch the pain and suffering attached to the afab-ness. i am made of scar tissue, and i can't just ignore that.

but i've learned a lot about myself since my first name change. i'm starting to control that weird mix of identity fracturing and imagination that results in a new personality/character sprouting out of the tree that grows inside my head. hopefully one day soon i'll feel safe enough to write them down, get them out, leave more room to breathe in there. that's what i did with Magdelena and she doesn't bug me anymore. that reminds me, i owe her a proper story. i should get around to finishing that one day.

but felix is a Good Name. it's technically a boy's name by current standards, but i like that. it's not a strongly masculine name, but it's gentle enough that it could be employed without too much discomfort when i'm feeling more feminine. dropping my mother's maiden name would certainly make it more difficult for her to find me, which is always a bonus. plus i like the initials: F.Q. like eff you.

whether i choose to go the whole hog and change my name legally again (i'd definitely spring for the altered birth cert this time) i like felix quinn as a stage/public name. fucking facebook won't let me change my name there again, so i made a new account, but i'm having the same problem i did when i made another account a while ago. i've been on facebook for almost a decade, and the whole time i've catalogued my growth as a person through numerous facebook statuses, photos, etc. it's a lot to let go of. not just deleting my old account (because i refuse to have two accounts) but starting again from scratch. in the old days, before we (i, it's i now) were integrated, that would have been great, but i never did it then because i always had the option of changing my name. now however i don't. and i'm learning that facebook is much closer to the real world than i would like, so i don't exactly want possible work contacts (oh the joy of working in a creative field) to be able to go through 8 years of mental health issues, abuse, daydreams, shitty poetry, outrage article-sharing and god knows what the fuck else. but without that stuff, how will i know who i am?

how do you relate to your online persona? does it differ from site to site? how open are you on facebook compared to other sites where you spend your time?
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