flowerfuck: (Default)
But now that I've pared it down a bit I'm discovering what is actually useful about it.

Pros:
1. The various trans positivity groups, as well as the slowly growing group of trans friends I've made who are all avid memers and just the fact that trans people can interact and support each other through digital means, even when we're so seperated.

2. Events and shit, because no one advertises anywhere fucking else.

3. International friends. Because duh.

4. Being able to convey my ideas and thoughts and feelings to that weird in-between group of people who aren't close but aren't Just Aquaintences either. Whenever I share something in depth about myself - usually it's about mental health or something like that - I get a fair few insightful and intelligent comments from people saying they appreciate my honesty or the way I articulated the issue. The conversations that start from these posts are what I love the most about Facebook, and I feel like they capture a tiny bit of that joy I got from the internet to begin with, when it was safe to talk about the dark and scary parts of myself with strangers who wouldn't tell my mother or my teachers about my questionin gender and my hallucinations.

5. Other people who do the same. Birds of a feather flock together, so I have a fair few friends who are mentally ill and struggling, some are dealing with physical health issues as well, and I love seeing the little things they post about how they're doing, or how their cat cheered them up. Love that shit, want it all the time. Literally the kind of content I want to see.

6. Brink shit I guess?? We do everything on Facebook

7. Being able to put a call out for "Do I know any animators/colourists/graphic designers?" or "Can someone recommend a good dentist on the West Side?" is fucking useful.

8. The Rough Trade group, as well as other swap groups. It's great to be able to just say "I have x and I want y" or see what others are getting rid of. The whole attitude of the group is super anti-consumerist and I love it.

9. I guess there's other buy and sell groups if I ever get around to cracking open that old box of gawth clothes.


CONS:
1. Ads.

2. Zuckerfuck has turned the idea of being social into a fucking competition with his algorithms. Who can be the most interesting, who can post the coolest picture. It's fucking warped the way I see things and I'm sure it's had a similar effect on other people too.

3. You can get zucced for anything and everything. I've seen so many of my friends lose their accounts for random fucking resons. All their history, comments, photos, gone.

4. No control. Over your name, your privacy settings, who can search for you, when people add you to groups. It fucking sucks.

5. I'm extremely fucking paranoid about datamining and shit. It's probably worse because I don't understand it well but it does my fucking head in knowing that everything I do online is being analysed and shit, and there is SO MUCH of me as a person on FB they could probably make an AI based on my info.

6. It's so fucking cluttered I miss out on so much of the good stuff. FB isn't the cost place to connect with friends that it used to be, and I need to accept that instead of trying to wish it back to that. It's another advertising platform, attempting to turn us all into products, and in a way we've been more than agreeable to the idea. The whole 'personal branding' bullshit is another modern phenomena that makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a fork, and now that I've quit most other social media I'm realising how much it affected my view of myself. I wonder how it affects others too.

7. No creativity! Getting a Neocities made me realise how much control you can have over the appearance of your online space IF YOU'RE FUCKING ALLOWED. I've been conned by all the blue and white hellsites into thinking of the continuous feed with a static column either side and a banner at the top as the only way to communicate with people. It's fucked. At least let me change my fucking backgroud.

8. The endless, endless scrolling that never goes anywhere because they keep rearranging the order of posts in my feed and I never know how far through I've gone. And the fact that an old fucking status can rise from the dead into my feed with a comment or a like. And shit belonging to other people I'm not even friends with on FB finding its way into my newsfeed because we both had a mutual friend that liked it. Christ almighty, this is the thing that fucks me up bigtime.

So yeah. I'm not 100% sure what to do next. I think maybe deactivate for a short while, and if I really miss FB for the good reasons I listed, then I can try making a secret account just for like my 20 favourite people and the maybe 6 groups I like.

As is my usual habit when considering whether or not to abandon the Zacc's Old Fashioned Sink Hole, I was Googling around reading other people's stories of life in a post-Facebook world. Interestingly enough, amongst all the articles listing dozens of reasons Why You Should Delete Your Facebook, only one put forward the idea that Facebook, along with other social media giants, should be regulated due to the way they intentionally exploit human nature, neuroscience, psychology, and a host of other fields to make their websites as addicting as possible. I find it fascinating that everything else I've read, as well as my own attitude, puts the onus on the user of the website to either limit their use or avoid it completely. When framed in the context of addiction this seems convoluted and ignorant. Facebook did used to be a nice place to interact with people, which is why I'm so attached to it. I'm not the one changing the privacy policies or rearranging the newsfeeds though. I feel relief that I don't have to blame myself for adding yet another form of socially acceptable communication to the ever growing list of things I suck at, especially one that I used to be so good at and really enjoy.

I guess this is a version of "it's not me, it's you." Facebook has changed. We don't mesh as well together as we used to. It's so weird coming to terms with the platform that shaped my social life, how I communicate, how I express myself and share things with my friends, is just a way for some other jackoff to manipulate people and make money. Wasn't the internet supposed to free us from that bullshit? From capitalism and gender and anti-intellectualism and restrictive copyright laws and all that shit? What happened?
flowerfuck: (Default)
There was a silver lining in the oozing, convulsing pustule of my first day back at uni:

I ducked into the Salvo's on the way home from uni, hunting for a winter coat. Found said coat for $2, along with a reasonably priced pair of blue cheetah print jeans that I've wanted since my blue cheetah print leggings wore out. Score.

After paying for my things at the counter, I place my card back into it's slot in my phone case and drop the whole thing on the counter while I attempt to cram my purchases into my backpack, completely forgetting the sticker on the front with a pentagram and goat's skull on the front.

The chatter coming from the woman at the counter started sounding more and more nervous, and I realised she'd noticed the sticker, so I took my sweet time getting my bag zipped up while she went on about saving the turtles or something.

I left feeling both warm and amused.

Dreamwidth

Apr. 11th, 2017 06:04 pm
flowerfuck: (angel)
I guess now is probably the best time to start backing shit up to Dreamwidth, given how offensive the existance of someone like me is to our new LJ overlords. Personally I like DW, it's open source, it's not full of empty communities and it's run by real people. Plus it still looks like the old LJ layout and I have a soft spot for any website that eschew the typical blue-andwhite-everything colour scheme. I'm hoping more people make the switch so that using DW as my main journal will be worth it.

I might stick around here for a bit, since so many of the people I like here don't have a DW yet, but otherwise you can find me at https://felixquinn.dreamwidth.org/.

Comms

Apr. 3rd, 2017 04:36 pm
flowerfuck: (angel)
What's the deal with all the ghost town communities around LJ? Did people just stop caring about their interests when they joined back up during the revival? LJ comms are honestly my ideal way to interact with people online who have similar interests, and it bums me out that so many comms I was excited about ([livejournal.com profile] pinkhair, [livejournal.com profile] glitterwhores, [livejournal.com profile] angelic_voices) haven't had any action for years. Kind of wanna contact the owners of these groups and see if they want someone to take over them, attempt to stoke the fires a bit, but if no one's using them is there much of a point? Not sure, but it seems worth a shot.

Hmm.
flowerfuck: (angel)
things i hate reading on the internet:

- the word "fandom"
- "as a person who..." no. "as someone who has..." stop. "as a mother/father/gamer/blogger/whatever..." shut up.
- "well actually..." i will end you.
- clickbait titles. even just the titles are enough to make me wanna punch my screen.
- literally anything from buzzfeed and similar websites
- goths arguing about what is/isn't goth, goth history, "emo is not goth," "well actually (double retch) x band is post-punk" holy fucking shit please stop you stale, crusty old biscuit.

this post was brought to you by a small number of peeves that have been ruminating in my brain for a few months now and need to be ejected like a fucking kidney stone.
flowerfuck: (angel)
i want to change my name again. except i don't. what is this sudden sense of stability? is this what it's like to be sane? it's frustrating. i liked being so fluid (no you didn't quinn, it was terrifying and disorienting). i liked being able to be whoever i wanted to be (no you didn't, remember how scared you used to feel when you looked in the mirror and saw a stranger's face).

i like who i am now but i don't like the way my name sounds. i like the New Name better. it's snappier, no family ties. (but you want the family ties, remember? for nana and grandad, they're the only reason you chose that name.) yeah but after visiting them i don't really feel like they understand what a big deal that was. i don't think they would even if i explained it i doubt they'd understand. (yeah, they're not very sensitive people. at least not in any real way.)

felix is a good name. i feel like "felix" as a concept is an attempt to integrate the two most extreme aspects of myself: the angry, punk, hard-femme with shaved and coloured hair and a desire to punch everyone in the face, and the flirty, mischievous prettyboy twink. hard-twink, perhaps?

i no longer want to be perceived as a boy. i'm firmly in the non-binary camp, that much is for sure. lately i've been taking some time to sit with and understand my connections to my... afab-ness? acknowledging and inspecting the impact of so-called "female socialisation" on my understanding and perception of myself, as well as others' perception of me. my history of trauma is deeply tied to my position in the world in a space marked as "female" by everyone around me, and how the rules of our society dictate their behaviour towards that space. whether it's fair or not That Space is Me, and i cannot just ditch the pain and suffering attached to the afab-ness. i am made of scar tissue, and i can't just ignore that.

but i've learned a lot about myself since my first name change. i'm starting to control that weird mix of identity fracturing and imagination that results in a new personality/character sprouting out of the tree that grows inside my head. hopefully one day soon i'll feel safe enough to write them down, get them out, leave more room to breathe in there. that's what i did with Magdelena and she doesn't bug me anymore. that reminds me, i owe her a proper story. i should get around to finishing that one day.

but felix is a Good Name. it's technically a boy's name by current standards, but i like that. it's not a strongly masculine name, but it's gentle enough that it could be employed without too much discomfort when i'm feeling more feminine. dropping my mother's maiden name would certainly make it more difficult for her to find me, which is always a bonus. plus i like the initials: F.Q. like eff you.

whether i choose to go the whole hog and change my name legally again (i'd definitely spring for the altered birth cert this time) i like felix quinn as a stage/public name. fucking facebook won't let me change my name there again, so i made a new account, but i'm having the same problem i did when i made another account a while ago. i've been on facebook for almost a decade, and the whole time i've catalogued my growth as a person through numerous facebook statuses, photos, etc. it's a lot to let go of. not just deleting my old account (because i refuse to have two accounts) but starting again from scratch. in the old days, before we (i, it's i now) were integrated, that would have been great, but i never did it then because i always had the option of changing my name. now however i don't. and i'm learning that facebook is much closer to the real world than i would like, so i don't exactly want possible work contacts (oh the joy of working in a creative field) to be able to go through 8 years of mental health issues, abuse, daydreams, shitty poetry, outrage article-sharing and god knows what the fuck else. but without that stuff, how will i know who i am?

how do you relate to your online persona? does it differ from site to site? how open are you on facebook compared to other sites where you spend your time?

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